It has been 3 days since we last saw each other, and just over a week since we decided to split up.
Last week was horrendous. Tuesday morning I woke up with my stomach in knots. My chest felt tight. My throat had a constant lump inside and hurt a lot. I was fighting back tears all day, but at times it was too hard and I had to let them out.
I sat crying at my desk at work, trying desperately to hide my face from people.
I felt so lonely. So lost. It's as though my life has no purpose any more. I may be somewhere in person, but my mind is always elsewhere. I find myself getting lost in thoughts and memories of the past. I even cracked a few smiles thinking about things he's said or done in the past, but then my eyes would quickly fill up and the tears would start falling onto my keyboard.
Wednesday was the worst day for me last week. I left work at 5pm and had intended to go to the gym. When I parked up, it hit me so hard that I burst into tears and sat there crying hysterically for 30 minutes. I had no-one I felt I could turn to. I have never felt so alone. I Sat in my car watching people go about their business. People finishing work, probably going home to see their partner, or meeting friends in the pub for drink. I felt so desperate, as if I really, genuinely couldn't cope.
I ended up driving home. I came straight to my room, collapsed on the floor and cried into the back of our dog who had greeted me, making his hair all damp.
I was dreading the weekend. Most people jump for joy when 5pm on a Friday rolls around. I was so nervous. My first weekend where I wouldn't be seeing him or staying with him at the apartment. It was worse than I could've ever imagined. I forced myself to go horse riding on Sunday, but the knotted feeling stuck with me for the whole time. I tried so hard to stay focused on enjoying myself, but it didn't work. I got back home, lay on bed, and bawled my eyes out until there were no tears left. I then fell asleep. I've found that sleeping is a good way to pass the time and to give temporary relief from the heart ache. My phone kept going off though, so my sleep was broken a few times. It was my friend, checking to see I was okay and asking me if I wanted to go round.
She has been an absolute gem to me this past week. All my friends have. I don't have many close friends, but the ones I do have and that know about the situation have been amazing. As cliché as it may sound, I really don't think I could've coped without them.
Sunday night came, thank god. I went to bed late and slept with the television on, as I have been doing ever since we broke up. I cannot sleep in silence as my thoughts are too loud and keep me awake. I have also been sleeping on the very edge of my bed, where he would sleep. I'm not sure why this is. For some reason I just can't get comfortable anywhere else.
It's been one of the hardest weeks of my life. The fact that we are staying in contact does help, but I'm worried about the future. Inevitably we will both move on in time, but I don't want the contact to cease. He said he didn't either, but you can never predict how you will feel in the future. I will just cross that bridge when I come to it I think, and in the mean time will try and focus on trying to move forward with the contact we have. I am glad we did things this way, though.
The mornings, bed time and weekends are definitely the hardest times. Waking up without him there makes my stomach churn. I drag myself out of bed and get on with my daily routine, though. Unfortunately, although it feels like my life is on hold, the world still keeps turning and time keeps going, I don't have a choice but to carry on.
He phoned me tonight out of the blue. He told me he'd had some bad news and that his great auntie had passed away. I couldn't believe it. What awful timing. He was on his way to his Mum's at the time. I told him that I'm here if he needs me and he could phone me to talk if he wanted to. He text me and said he was so emotional and upset, he just wanted to sleep. So no phone call. All I've been thinking all night is "I hope he is okay" It's so easy to say I can go round and be a shoulder to cry on or someone to hug and hold onto, but it wouldn't be right and it wouldn't be fair. My thoughts are with him and his family right now.
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