October 17th 2011.
Today I discovered that my partner of 6 years, whom I loved and had planned to spend the rest of my life with, had been cheating on me.
October 16th 2011.
Today I’d been sat in for most of the day. I’d been watching rubbish television and had eaten too much Kinder chocolate and was waiting for him to call me to let me know he’d finished work so we could spend our Sunday night together.
I took my car for a wash and got a phone call to say he’d finished and he’d meet me at my Mum’s house. I picked us both up a microwaveable meal on the way back from the car wash. We ate our tea and then headed over to his Mum’s to meet his brothers for a drink.
We didn’t stay late. We got back to my Mum’s house and we were all (My Mum, Step Dad, Brother and Step Brother) sat around the kitchen table joking and laughing at each other’s driving licenses.
I checked my Facebook as I normally do every few hours or so. I noticed I had a message which I opened whilst sat at the table whilst everyone was still laughing and joking.
The first few sentences that I read gripped me in horror and my heart began to race. It pounded so hard that it was almost shaking my whole body. My breathing became quick and the adrenaline that raced through my body was making me tremble. I didn’t read past the first 2 sentences. I looked over at him and told him to come outside with me.
We stood on the driveway and, even before I had read the rest of the message, I asked him if there’s anything I need to know… He answered “What are you talking about?” I screamed her name and, again, he answered, “No. What are you talking about?” but I knew… I could see him begin to panic. He was terrified, I could tell.
I began reading the message out loud to him. It was a message from someone I didn’t even know. It was the boyfriend of the girl he’d been with. Her boyfriend had accessed her phone and found all the text messages and all the evidence to prove they’d been sleeping together.
He denied it. He tried to make out they were just friends, but I knew it was all lies.
I crouched down by the side of my car and held my stomach tight. I felt like someone was twisting my insides and that I was about to throw up. I couldn’t control myself. I was crying hysterically and kept on repeating the words “I can’t believe it” and “You’ve cheated on me” over and over again. I couldn’t even breathe properly. My whole body was weak and numb and I felt like collapsing on the driveway.
He made me get inside his car and promised me he’d explain everything. All he told me were lies, though. I knew it and I made him swear on his mother’s life that it was the truth. I was in a state. I kept on grabbing my stomach because it was hurting so much. Sat in his car, I looked at him with tears streaming down my face and running onto my clothes. He looked back at me and I could see it in his eyes that he’d betrayed me.
He left me that night promising me that nothing ‘bad’ had happened and apologised for not telling me that they had been seeing each other as ‘friends’. He promised me he would contact her first thing in the morning and tell her that their ‘friendship’ was over and he wanted nothing more to do with her.
I knew her. I’d worked with her for 3 years. He still worked with her. She knew all about me. I tried to phone her but she wouldn’t answer. I sent a text and asked to meet with her ASAP. She replied and said she would meet me during the afternoon of that day (Monday October 17th) I left work and I went and sat in a coffee shop and waited for her.
She arrived. Crying. The first words she said to me were “What do you want to know?” I replied “Everything. Did you sleep together” She cried again and answered “Yes” I cannot even put into words what I felt like at the moment. Here was a girl sat in front of me, who I worked with for 3 years. She was stunning. Nothing like me at all. Tall, very long hair, slim body, fake breasts, 8 years older than me. I always thought she was a nice girl when we worked together. She was very quiet and kept herself to herself. I guess that was the only thing we had in common. That, and the fact we are both brunettes. That is where our similarities end.
They became close during a 2 week break up that my partner and I went through in January 2011. Throughout 2011 they met up and slept together and even went out for dinner together right at the beginning. I was none the wiser. I didn’t suspect a thing.
Looking back I should’ve known. He accidently went to call me by her name one night. Still, I didn’t read into it. He wouldn’t let me into to his house for 3 months during the Summer as he said it was ‘dirty’ and he needed to tidy up. We always had to stay at mine if were spending the night together. When I made a joke about him having another woman there he got annoyed with me. If only I knew…
There is so much more that happened, but I know the worst.
The way things panned out was that he disappeared to live with his Mum for 2 weeks as he couldn’t face life after I’d found out the truth. I believe he was in a very bad place, like me, and had realised just what he had lost.
We did end up speaking after days and days of text messages. I finally saw him and it was so hard. I could not look at him for the first 30 minutes. It was a very strange feeling.
I could see his despair and guilt at what he’d done to me. He was, so I believe, genuinely distraught and sorry for what he’d done. He said he would do anything to make it up to me and that all he wanted was the life we’d planned together.
We decided to try again, taking baby steps. In January 2012 he moved house, away from the memories, and changed his phone number. I had a key to his new apartment this time, too.
We had good days and then we had bad days. I tried my hardest to forget it. I tried to forgive him and I tried to forget. I still loved him with all my heart and I was still holding on to the idea of us living together and getting married and being happy… just like we spoke about and planned it.
It was no good, though. I’d turned into a bitter, jealous and paranoid person. There was no trust. I wouldn’t tell him when I was thinking about it, but I knew he could tell. I would sit there in silence and all I could picture was him and her together. It was eating me up inside. Even in our moments when things were physical, I would imagine her… it was gut wrenching.
I had thoughts about a life without him. Thoughts about dating, travelling, meeting new people, being free from the paranoid thoughts… but I would always go back to him. I wanted him. I didn’t want to let go of 6 years.
It just became too hard. On Monday April 9th (a bank holiday), I woke up before him and read a few chapters of my book, War horse. At 11am he still wasn’t up and I wanted to spend the day off together doing something together.
When he woke up, he told me he had plans to visit his mum and his nieces and nephews. He hadn’t told me this. I enjoyed visiting his family on most occasions, when there weren’t arguments between them. I loved being part of his family. However, when I’d suggested we do something together on that day, as it was the only day we both had off together, I expected him to stick to that.
I got so upset and I told him that it was too hard. I wasn’t happy with him and don’t think I ever could be fully happy knowing what he’s done. Everything just unravelled and unravelled from that point...
He admitted that he struggled to look at me sometimes knowing how much pain he’s caused me. I always hoped we’d get through it and would be able to forget in time, but 5 months after it happened things didn’t seem to be getting any better.
We decided to split up. We spent 3 hours crying together, hugging and talking about the past 6 years. It was heart breaking. It didn’t feel real. Seeing him cry like that hurt me so much. Despite what he’s done to me I couldn’t stop loving him. I just wanted to hold him tight and block out the rest of the world.
I left his apartment and didn’t expect to see him for a long time. That lasted all of 5 days. He asked to see me one last time as we had a few things to swap over. I wasn't going to go, as I couldn't face the final goodbye. I thought about it all day Saturday and in the end I caved in and went. I surprised myself at how strong I was. He sat there crying, a lot. Inside it was tearing me up seeing him like that. All I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and squeeze him tightly. I knew I couldn't, though. I had to stay strong.
We spoke for an hour and we both decided that, despite the past, we want to stay in contact. He made a reference to the Gotye song that has recently come out and said he doesn't want me to become "Somebody that he used to know" and then he cried again. I agreed with him completely. Life is too short to regret. He may have broken my heart, but we shared some amazing times together and I will always care for him.
We had our final hug in his bedroom. He squeezed me so tightly and kissed my head. I told him I loved him and that I would miss him more than anything in the whole world. He said the same back to me, and then I headed for the front door. I handed his key back over and he kissed me on the lips hard. I then left.
